Last night I dreamt about Gouzi（昨晚我梦到了狗子）
He was in the middle of a crowd
Showing an apologetic smile
His signature smile
As if he had let someone down
When I woke up
I saw a picture of Gouzi and his son
Already a grown boy
Looks like him, but it’s not him
Gouzi still seems an observer
As if he didn’t have anything on him
Yet he has his son beside him
Not nothing
The queen of singing KTV（K歌之王）
Give me a fag
To light the haystack
I blow out white smoke that curls
And turn to go back in
I am not used
To this quietude
Nothing has changed
And memories have solidified
Into a picture frame
Once
My eyes were so big
And the people around me so young
Then I turn
To walk into the night
Or to the bathroom
I am just a girl（我只是一个女孩子）
I am just a girl, who
Cries at movies and music
Enjoys vanity
And other illusory feelings
Wears perfume every day
Sinks softly onto bed sheets soft as velvet
And trembles, writes poetry
That is perhaps only affected emotion
I clench my teeth until I bleed
The more blood the better
What else excites me these days
My eyes grow long
My face turns yellow
I’m turning into someone who never knew me
Perhaps this is the real me
I want to start a war with fate
Which means I won’t do anything real
I wonder myself what change there will be
And if I can accept the person that I become
Taking off again（再次出发）
1
Squatting in the bathroom on the plane
I observe my face
two new pimples like twin tombs
buried on my chin and left cheek
hair recently dyed blue
some bright blue streaks
the rest closer to metallic
blue
2
Afraid to sit on a plane
Not afraid of death
but each time
on the airplane
I lose control
for half an hour
or a few hours
My mood
unbelievably depressed
I remember a series of tragedies from my past
I can’t control my tears
they don’t stop
The longer I sit still
The more I think about
Unable to control my anxieties
I cover my sobbing face with the blanket
I want to die
I want the plane to stop
So I can die
But because the plane won’t stop
I feel even more anxious
And want more than ever to die
3
Judgment day
is perhaps a little like my international flight
In my mind I am
foolish, sad, no road to travel down
at the same time, thought I can’t admit it
I’m lonely
I hate myself
I decide to ask for a bottle of red
to anaesthetize myself
I drink the whole bottle
and ask for another
I don’t believe
I can’t get drunk
4
Calm at last
I accept that I am ordinary
Of course
there will be pain
but why can’t I be like others
and bear the pain
Who do I think I am
All of a sudden
I feel much better
I realize that pain exists
I measure the weight of my pain
slowly tasting it
Just as I carefully tasted this wine
Translated by Alice Xin Liu
